What's With Those Welcome Signs In The Suburbs

Suburban homes have prominent signs at their front doors that say "Welcome." Yet, residents don't seem to mean it.

In April 2023, a white 84-year-old homeowner in Kansas City shot and wounded Ralph Yarl, a Black teen, after the 16-year-old went to the wrong home to pick up his siblings. Andrew Lester will face charges of assault in the first degree and armed criminal action, with an October 2024 trial date set. 

On the night of April 15, 2023, Kaylin Gillis and her friends mistakenly pulled into the long, dark driveway of 65-year-old Kevin Monahan in Hebron, New York, while they were looking for a friend's house, authorities said. The group of friends was traveling in two cars and a motorcycle, and Gillis was a passenger in one of the cars, driven by her boyfriend. Monahan, standing on his deck, fired at least two shots toward the group and fatally hit Gillis in the neck, authorities said.

In January 2024, Monahan was found guilty of fatally shooting a 20-year-old woman who was in the passenger seat of a friend's car when they turned into the wrong driveway.

I begin with these two examples because they offer a direct counterpoint to the consumer popularity of signs - usually vertical - next to the front door of suburban homes that say "Welcome."

Here are a few social media comments on these signs. Warning: the comments have not been edited.

"Might be a regional thing. I live in the south and those are on just about every house! Our doormat, on the other hand, says, "Go Away, Trespassers Will Be Horribly Mutilated." To each their own!"

"I almost always see them in the more upscale neighborhoods."

"I don't know why, but those signs annoy me so much, I know it's irrational."

"EVERY FUCKING HOUSE"

"I have been seeing these at like every third delivery I do"

Why do so many suburban homeowners post these signs at their front doors?

That question is especially relevant, given the data we have - or think we have - about the current status of the American populace.

First, we know from NICS background data and manufacturing records that there are 393 million civilian-owned firearms in the U.S. Only 6.06 million firearms are registered in the U.S. (NFA registrations and states with permits to purchase). Estimates show that 83 million people owned at least one firearm in 2023.

So, a lot of people, including those with WELCOME signs, own guns. Since there is no requirement that people who own guns have any training to purchase a firearm, we can assume that most people with a gun have not had any training on how to use it. 

Second, we know from Pew Research that about three-quarters (72%) of gun owners say that protection is a major reason they own a gun. Therefore, any unknown person approaching their front door (or driving into the driveway) is probably viewed as a potential threat. 

549 of those gun owners were involved in unintentional firearm discharges. In 2022, children under the age of five were among the groups with the highest rate of death from accidental shootings. 

Years ago, I lived in a suburban neighborhood where one house had multiple NO TRESPASSING signs. There were also a few VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT signs. The owner, Mr. Gordon, would patrol his chain-link fence property line like a sentry. 

Here's the thing about Mr. Gordon. We knew he could be dangerous. We stayed away. What about a home that displays a large vertical WELCOME sign next to the front door? How do we know there's not a man who's been watching too much Fox News where he's been indoctrinated into the belief that crime is rampant, even in his upscale neighborhood? To that man, any knock on the front door could mean that "they're coming for his guns, his American way of life, or his freedom to hate other Americans." 

Or MAGA politicians, who scream that Democrats, gays, immigrants, minorities, and even white Republicans (RINOs) who disagree with them are attempting to end their way of life. 

How sincere are those WELCOME signs? Stand-up comedian Sebastian Maniscalco has a witty routine about how having company in your home 20 years ago was completely different from today if somebody rings your doorbell. Maniscalco's sly bit revolves around the fact that 20 years ago, friends and family could show up at your home unannounced, and they would be welcomed.

Today, RING doorbells act as sentries, and cameras are positioned on all sides of a home. As Americans, we are prepared, and we are ready for action. It's "Stranger Danger all the time." DEFCON 5 is the default setting for any American home. 

Threats are everywhere. The immigrant landscapers who don't speak English. The Black couple who walks their dog in your neighborhood. Maybe even someone who drives an electric vehicle is an enemy (See Donald Trump for attribution). The neighbor who attends a temple or a mosque instead of a real place of worship, like a Christian church. 

Again, what function do these WELCOME signs play? Do these signs refer only to people that the homeowners know and recognize? Everybody else is being watched with night-vision glasses and a sniper rifle with a laser target on the heart. 

How about homes that prominently display NO TRESPASSING and NO SOLICITING signs and a WELCOME sign? Does that mean that everyone but trespassers and solicitors are welcome? 

Isn't it a given that family and friends should be welcome? Is a reminder necessary as Aunt Rose and Uncle Morty arrive for Thanksgiving dinner? Are evil mothers-in-law exempted from the WELCOME sign? 

If you're a Trump supporter, are Biden supporters not welcome? If you're a Biden supporter, are Trump supporters not welcome? If you're an Eagles fan, are Dallas Cowboys fans not welcome? 

Are the only people welcome at your suburban home those who have the same skin color, worship the same religion, have identical political beliefs, speak the same language, have the same life experiences, express their gender as you do, and have the same lifestyle?

It's America. Home of the First Amendment. Land of legally protected speech, no matter how odious, hateful, misinformed, malevolent, and malodorous it is. 

Therefore, to reduce accidental shootings when people show up at the wrong home, I suggest that suburban homeowners put an asterisk next to their WELCOME sign that defines who is welcome.

For example, a homeowner in Florida or Texas could have a WELCOME sign with verbiage underneath that specifies: "We welcome only those who are Christian evangelicals, book banners, anti-LGBTQIA+, believe that slavery helped Blacks, thinks diversity is rotting our society, and will stand our ground if anyone has the balls to disagree with us."

After reading that sign completely, a black, gay, atheist, immigrant, or non-binary person who approaches that property should either wear Kevlar or approach with extreme caution.

As a true public service, suburban homeowners who put up such WELCOME signs on their front porch or by the front door should be legally compelled to spell out who is WELCOME.

WELCOME, white supremacists only. WELCOME, heterosexuals who only use the missionary position. WELCOME, QAnon conspiracy theorists. WELCOME, Christian nationalists. WELCOME, MEN ONLY - Misogyny encouraged. 

It's clear that, whether in a big city, the suburbs, the whites-only exurbs, or rural towns, most people are not welcome at anyone else's house unless prior authorization has been granted. 

We should stop fooling ourselves with those ridiculous WELCOME signs. I'd be more comfortable with brutal honesty. People could post a life-sized image of actor Clint Eastwood sneering, with a caption that reads, "Get off my lawn…or else."